England v. Canada – Part I

It’s been about six months since I’ve moved back to Canada, so I thought I’d do a little reflection, if you will, of England v. Canada. The finer points.


Hockey. The Canadian way.

In England, they call it “ice hockey” (how cute), and don’t know anything about it. To them, hockey is what we call “field hockey”, and contrary to Canada, boys play field hockey over there…and it’s not weird…and they don’t wear skirts.


In North America, we brand everything. We don’t ask for a tissue, we want a Kleenex. When I say I need a Band-Aid, I really just need a bandage, but don’t we all just say Band-Aid? Same with Ziploc, Tupperware, Tylenol, Gravol, and the like. The English, well they brand very little (except Hoover, which is a vacuum). Over there, they have no idea what a Kleenex is, and will look at you like you’re an alien if you ask for a Band-Aid (causing you to lose valuable time and blood).


To the English, we’re American. This is because we live in North American. However, since we call the Americans Americans, we are, by default, not Americans, even if we’re being referred to as a continental people. As a continent, we’re North Americans. As a nation, we’re Canadians. We are not, ever, Americans. They don’t get that over there. They think we’re all the same. Just to prove a point, see how they like it when you tell them Scottish and English are the same.


Beer in England
This all cost about £20 / $30. Yeah.

So the English are boozers. They’re a nation of drunks, and they won’t be offended when you call them that. Us Canucks, well, we think we’re drunks, but I promise you, we have nothing on the English. And they barely come close to the Irish. The primary reason why they’re such boozers? It’s in their blood. They inherit it. Second reason – booze is off the charts cheap compared to here (well, be honest, where isn’t?). A bottle of Villa Maria Sauvingon Blanc (a personal fave) is £6 there, which is about $9 CAD (£5 / $7.50CAD sometimes when Tesco’s being nice). Here – $15.95. I know, eh? Also, they have supermarket brand booze…like Tesco Value Brand Vodka. I reckon it tastes like jet fuel, so I never bothered to look at the price, but I bet it’s about £5.


This is something that is COMPLETELY BAFFLING. If you’re a country that doesn’t really have hills, and doesn’t really get snow, why do you feel you need to fake being into skiing? It’s okay. You hate being European most of the time anyway…this makes you look like you want to be more European. Unless you’re Dubai and you’re ridiculous and are going to build some flash ski-mall-park-building-of-money, don’t bother. The English, well, the think I’m rude for judging their indoor ski parks…please, come to Canada, and you’ll understand why.


English football madness
You won't find this in a Canadian pub...

On the flip side, we do a poor pub. I’m sorry, but we do. There are a couple places that kinda come close to being a good pub, but until you’re full of rowdy (and I mean rowdy) footie fans yelling out words you never thought possible, and know you could never pull off, then you’re not a real pub. I miss English pubs. (Note: I don’t miss English pub food…just the pubs). Many pubs brew their own ale, live in brilliant old Tudor / Stuart / Elizabethan / older-than-Canada houses, and smell like they’ve served a thousand sweaty men already that day. It’s great.


Ours is crap. English chocolate is infinitely superior, and you’ve got to be kidding yourself if you disagree. I’m not saying English chocolate is the best in the world, but it absolutely beats our stuff, hands down.

That’s it for today. I’ll do more when I think of them. Maybe even an A to Z list if you’re lucky.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Tom says:

    There is the holy grail:

    Tesco Value Vodka 70cl Bottle – £9.

    You only ever make the mistake of drinking it once…

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